This is even harder than I expected it to be. I know you had to go, but somehow, in my heart of hearts, I thought we would be able to fix this. That I would be able to go too, or that you would bow out at the last minute. It's been such a shock that now you're gone. In another continent. Doing all the things I've wanted to do, all the things I've looked forward to for so long. I'm not mad, not at you. It's just hard to understand, hard to realise that this is really happening.
I figured I'd be fine without you. Figured I'd have others to surround myself with, figured I'd have people to share my daily life with. I can see now that I was lying to myself. So many things happened today, and I would reach for my phone to call you or text you, to ask your opinion, to ask your advice, to tell you everything! And then came that moment, that sickening drop in my stomach where I realised that I had no one to share things with. I've had to internalize everything, and it's so hard. Truly, I don't know what I'll do without you. It's all so numb, and I can feel myself slipping backwards into indifference without your bracing views, your intelligence, your creativity. I'm sorry my plane letter was so falsely childish. I didn't know how to put my love for you into words.
Spongebob: What do you usually do when I'm gone?
Patrick: Wait for you to come back.
I miss you so much already.
Melissa.
